A Dose of Rhinoplasty: Five Vehicles in Need of a Nose Job

Out in the Maritime corner of our country, describing something as “hard looking” doesn’t mean it has a head of granite. Rather, it refers to having a face only a mother could love. That birthday cake that didn’t turn out quite right? Hard looking. Those carrots from the garden that have more twists and turns than our most recent federal election? Perfectly serviceable, but totally hard looking.

That’s the hot take I’m putting forward for a few of the new vehicles on sale today. New cars must go through umpteen committees, focus groups, and engineering teams prior to appearing in dealer showrooms. Yet, examples remain of mystifying design decisions resulting in a machine that can be described as – wait for it – hard looking.

There are many reasons such fumbles occur. Some companies are said to have a checklist of design language or brand characteristics to which all cars must adhere, despite some of the requirements resulting in a very square peg jammed into a very round hole. 

In the late ‘90s and early 2000s at General Motors, for example, the Pontiac brand was required to use those see-through headrests with a fabric mesh that appeared in every car. Former GM executive Bob Lutz once described them as “padded rectangular picture frames” and he was right on the money. It didn’t matter that the things cost more to produce than traditional headrests and technically offered little real value to customers; it was the way things were always done, damnit, and that checklist had to be completed for the car to see production.

Perhaps that anecdote explains some of the vehicles on this list. The need for a brand to be instantly recognizable on the road is pervasive across all lines of cars: domestic, foreign, luxury, mainstream – most have some sort of mandate to at least resemble their showroom siblings. Others on the list are simply trying something new, which is welcome in a sea of milquetoast sameness, but such efforts don’t always lead to cohesive results. 

In that vein, at least, I’ll argue that hard looking is preferable to boring. I’d rather party with a rocker than an accountant. Some of our candidates have received a dose of rhinoplasty in the form of very basic cut-and-paste jobs using the cutting edge Commodore 64 issued by our corporate overlords.

Subaru Outback Wilderness

Left: The Outback Wilderness as presented by Subaru. Right: Our proposed fix.

Look, we get what Subaru is trying to achieve here. Really, we do. Moving the Outback away from the land of station wagons and into the realm of SUVs and crossovers will probably increase sales, no matter how many nerdy automotive journalists weep at the loss of yet another wagon. And the arrival of SUV-like proportions is often accompanied by the appearance of aggressive truck-like styling.

But the Subaru billboard is too low on its grille, looking for all the world like a prizefighter who had their nose boxed in during the fourth round. Moving it, and a body-colour bar, higher up its schnoz might help matters, though we freely admit to having no idea if such a change hurts cooling properties or screws up front-facing sensors for the EyeSight safety system. Hey, at least owners don’t have to look at it while driving it.

Lexus ES

Left: The ES as presented by Lexus. Right: Our proposed fix.

The overhauled midsize sedan from Lexus officially appeared for the first time just a few weeks ago, wearing a cut-rate version of the front fascia found on siblings like the popular RX crossover. Our issue with the interpretation is the massive amount of blank space below the Lexus badge and between the headlamps, existing only to catch copious amounts of dead bugs on road trips.

This inverted take on the so-called Spindle Grille is still leagues better than the Gillette shavers that plagued Lexus vehicles for the better part of two decades, though. Our suggestion is to simply extend the lower grille upwards a few inches, repeating the tasteful colour-keyed diamonds and filling in some of that Tesla-esque empty space. After all, no one wants to be mistaken for driving one of those these days.

Tesla Cybertruck

Speaking of which, you knew this thing would end up on our list. The vitriol directed by many people at the Cybertruck is as prolific as it is warranted; such is the blight this machine casts upon the landscape, punishing anyone blessed with the gift of sight. All of the bad juju associated with this brand aside, we’re not sure the Cybertruck would have been a big seller even if it were being hawked by one of the world’s most beloved figures rather than one of the most reviled.

It would surprise no one if, when the obituary of Tesla is eventually written, that the Cybertruck was an inside joke gone too far. It is easy to imagine the CEO drawing a polygon on a whiteboard and saying, “build this” as part of some elaborate trolling effort, booting out anyone who dared object to the asinine plan. With a team populated by those only too eager to please and led by a person who doesn’t like to be told they’re wrong, we see the result.

BMW XM

With a price tag well north of a quarter-million dollars and exhibiting some alarming design choices, the XM hasn’t exactly been the sales success BMW hoped. Sure, it makes devastating amounts of power and infuses its cabin with sumptuous materials – but owners will have to park it with the valet sooner or later, at which point they might turn redder than the lipstick-like trim around the XM’s grille. At least most fancy dinners take place at night under the cover of darkness, I suppose.

Yes, it is possible to spec the XM without the red trim. In fact, it can be replaced with gold trim, which isn’t more conspicuous at all. Styling around back also makes for difficult viewing, with the few skiffs of contrasting colour adding to the car’s visual height. The stacked tailpipes don’t help, either. Perhaps we’re just not rich enough to appreciate the aesthetic. There are other challenging vehicles in BMW’s portfolio, but this article is getting long enough already.

Ram Promaster

Left: The Ram Promaster as it is seen on the road. Right: Our proposed fix.

Sure, this van is a commercial workhorse, designed to spend its life shuttling people to an airport or carting materials around the land. Centuries ago, no one really cared if their pack mule won a beauty contest so long as it was healthy and could complete its tasks of hauling gear. Still, there’s no need for the Promaster to look like one of those terrifying Doctor Who monsters that have no facial features.

Like the Subaru that headed this list, it’s the placement of the grille and brand badge that offends our eyes. Like it or not, most humans tend to anthropomorphize the vehicles we see on the road. Absent of any features at all between its headlights, the Promaster resembles a face with no nose – an ironic comparison, since this design stinks.